Breaking the Code

On or Off
In or Out
Binary decisions
Rule my day
No shades of grey allowed
I even dream in Black and White

I have always wondered if this is part of my all or nothing addictive nature, the extremes of my bi-polar, or that I am simply wired this way to the point that it may have been the root of my addiction and bi-polar. My own personal chicken and the egg dilemma. I know from talking to my parents that I was this way from an early age - family game night wasn't as much fun as it could have been as I had to make sure that everyone followed the rules to a T. No room for interpretation or leeway to give someone a chance or to make things more enjoyable for everyone. The goal was to win and the rules were there to make sure that it happened. Somehow I thought that life would be the same.

This has caused me some confusion of perspective over the years. Early on, I thought everyone viewed the world in this clear cut manner. It only seemed logical that for every situation there were finite opposing choices and we followed their path like a flowchart - a well organized world was my reality. Unfortunately, I became confused and frustrated when I found that the other people in this world didn't view their reality the same way - not everything was clear-cut. So in typical fashion, I went from thinking that everyone shared my view to thinking that I was the only one who was logical enough to see the world in black and white, the only one intelligent enough to see that order depended on finite possibilities, not in the interpretation of what could be. This would most likely be the seeds of my issues dealing with people socially, especially those who were to be my peers, and my lack of ability in most artistic endeavors. I found more beauty in physics and mathematics than I did in attempting to draw or paint. Artistic pursuits required following your feelings, and my feelings at an early time were self-centered and Narcissistic - I truly believed that everyone around me was an idiot, and I couldn't wait to grow up and save humanity. When feelings did start creeping in, they were of despair and loneliness, even though I still found the most comfort in solitude.

It has taken me many years and many breakdowns to understand the importance of the grey area, the necessity of having some, if not all, things to be up for interpretation. It has only been through developing this that I have been able to form and maintain personal relationships with friends and others, to be be able to relate to people as equals even though we are different, to respect the value of others in general. It has been through the introduction of grey shading into my black and white world that I have been able to experience love and beauty and art and experince life in general, rather than just catalog a series of events.

A binary world
Fragments into random
Tangents
Breaking code
To explode
In a cacophony of chaos
Shades of grey
Planted the seeds
And now I can dream
In color.